Deal Breakers (Or Stuff That Makes My Brain Hurt)

But, on the other hand, jarring 21st century dialogue in an historical romance can kill a book for me every time.   Some of the most egregious I've come across?  A child described in a Regency-set novel as a "nasty kid".   Another was a memorable moment in another Regency-set book in which the heroine complained to the hero, "I was doing okay until you barged in here."  O-o-o-o-k-a-y.

Ridiculous plot points are another deal breaker for me.  I recently tried to read a contemporary in which the heroine, who is down to her last $2,500 or so, decides to give $2,000 of that to her wacky relative for a wacky purpose.  Now, our girl doesn't know how she's going to pay the rent or buy food and, gee, maybe it's just me, but that spells TSTL to me in blazing letters.  I read another one a few years ago in which the heroine ditches her job and her life and sets off on a ridiculous quest because she somehow thinks Oprah is telling her to do it. 

But then again I hate wacky.  And I really, really meant that.   Still, I guess publishers shouldn't go by me since a peek in your local Borders proves that there are many, many wacky contemporary authors out there with major league fan bases.  

But even beyond wacky, I have big problems with plot points that are just plain wrong.  In one contemporary I came across, the heroine needed to come up with a huge amount of money in order to make bail for her juvenile sister.  Ummm, Ms. Author, the juvenile justice system is different from the adult one and, though state laws differ, bail usually isn't necessary for juvenile first-time offenders.  I've also heard tell of a book in which the heroine who was the target of a killer now on death row actually destroys the threatening letters he sends her from prison.  Yep, destroying evidence without contacting the police about threats against your life is real smart.  I read another contemporary in which the cop hero discussed the details of a case with his brothers who, ahem, actually knew the suspects.  And then there was the book in which the heroine, who works for an advertising agency, plans to quit the agency and take the biggest client with her.  This is a subject I happen to know something about and most agencies require you to sign a non-compete agreement that would directly forbid such an action.  But even without a non-compete, stealing clients is considered highly unethical and is proof to me that the author didn't do her homework.  (Can you say major lawsuit?)

Broad brush stereotypes are another deal breaker for me.  Whether they're ethnic or cultural or simply dumb, I can't read books with characters who are about an inch deep.  From the Italian grandmother always plying her guests with food to the absent-minded professorial father whose sole involvement in the rearing of his historical romance heroine daughter (who may or may not be proficient in herbal healing) was in gifting her with a super-cool literary or astrological name on to that oh-so-familiar uber yuppie selfish bastard destined to get dumped for the hero, stereotypes will kill a book for me every single time. 

And don't even get me started on the paranormal glut.  Enough with the vampires already, but whenever I venture into Borders these days I find myself cowering from those multiplying-like-locusts books that seem to combine paranormal and wacky.  You know what I'm talking about - the books with the dreadful pun titles and cutesy-poo cartoon covers.  My eyes, my eyes!

Okay, okay, I know I'm being a cranky pants here.  But on the day after we all give thanks, I'll be thankful for books that manage to avoid all of the above.   I just wish there were more of them.

tags: sandy  coleman  books  

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